Beyond Borders & Bedposts Issue #5 Quest for Miss Kentucky

The Quest for Connection, Success and Sex

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Jay: “I hear sex with pregnant chicks is way better than regular sex, something to do with the temperature of the vagina. It’s hotter apparently”
Me: “That can’t be true”

I was fully settled into my new base in North Carolina. Things were looking promising.

The way our apartments were structured, each apartment had a shared bathroom with the person who lived in the apartment behind them.

The guy who lived behind me, welcomed me with a PBR (a Pabst Blue Ribbon) beer the first time we met.

I didn’t drink it because I felt I was too good for that type of beer. I put it in my fridge and gave it to a person I felt was at that station in life.

Now, after I have lived longer and experienced more life, PBR is not that bad.

I feel like an asshole for my thoughts about it back then. But these are lessons learned.

Anyway, this guy had a band. They played music similar to the band Blink 182 and were pretty good.

Here’s the thing though. This guy had a lover.

A hot brunette from Kentucky who would chat with me from time to time.

I was thinking “This isn’t his girlfriend, this is just a groupie that he has sex with. I should probably be having sex with her too”

I needed a plan to pull this off, so I quizzed the girls at my evening happy hour about it.

I was told “If a country girl asks you what your favorite song is, you need to say it’s ‘Don’t Take The Girl’ by Tim McGraw.

I wrote that down and then listened to the song several times.

My opportunity came a few days later.

“Miss Kentucky” entered my room one evening through the shared bathroom door after knocking.

I welcomed her in and fixed her a cocktail.

She looked around and asked, “So, what’s the deal with you?”

I told her that I am a simple guy living a simple life.

She looked unimpressed.

She wore a tank top black t-shirt, a short denim skirt and sat in my chair with gorgeous legs crossed, dangling a slipper off of her bouncing foot.

Her: “Are you going to join the band?”

Me: “I don’t know yet”

Her: “I don’t usually talk with black people or black men, I’m trying to figure you out”

Me: “That’s fair”

Her: “What kind of music do you listen to?”

Me: “All types depending on what mood I’m in, but these days, country music is where it’s at”

Her:” Is that so? What’s your favorite song?”

Me:” Tim McGraw, “Don’t Take The Girl”

Her: “Oh my GOD! YESSS! You’re legit!”

Me: “Love that shit!”

And I was thinking in my mind “Start the countdown to when the fuckin’ starts!”

We had some small talk about other country songs and musicians.

She said “I like you, I like you a lot”

And then she stood up, walked back through the bathroom to the other apartment, and had sex with that other guy.

Well, shit. Why does this keep happening? Changes have to be made.

I got a special assignment to be a part of the base honor guard. That was great!

One day during practice, I was in the men's bathroom at the urinals and a new guy (whom we’ll call ‘Mr. Irish’) walked in and stood at the urinal next to me.

He said, “You’re Nick Right?”

Me: “Yes”

Mr. Irish: “I heard you like to party”

Me: “That’s a strange thing to say to another man in the bathroom. Can we continue this conversation outside please?”

Mr. Irish: “Oh yeah, sorry”

So Mr. Irish and I continued our conversation a few minutes later and I found out he was new on the base and was security forces (the Air Force version of a police officer) and he liked drinking and nightlife. He heard that I was the one to talk to about the local party scene and wanted to go clubbing.

Yep, we can make that happen.

So the next evening, I assembled a team.

Me, Mr. Irish, and a girl named Christina.

Christina was from Indiana and quite possibly the only person I have ever met from that state.

She was a thin, chestnut brunette with green eyes and was a solid ten in the looks department.

Even now, I do not think I have met a more gorgeous woman than her.

She would hang out from time to time, and made it known from the start, she had a very serious boyfriend back home and was super loyal to him so nobody here would ever have a chance.

I told her about Mr. Irish and our plan to go clubbing that evening and she said she wanted to go as well.

She said: “I want to dance but I don’t like guys hitting on me, so I’m dancing with you and only you. Any guys that try to talk with me, I’m telling them I’m with you. You can dance with whoever you like and your options will probably expand once the other girls see how dedicated I am to you. Also I am not drinking, so I will drive you guys to and from the club. Deal?”

Me: “Deal”

We drove about 40 minutes to get to a good club that wasn’t around any military bases because it’s just better that way.

We entered the club and Mr. Irish started doing shots right away and took a seat at the bar to chat up girls.

Christina and I hit the dance floor.

And just as she predicted, guys were coming left and right trying to get her attention and pull her away from me.

Remember she was the hottest girl in the club by far.

Each time someone tried to pull her away she would announce loudly “NO!, I’m with HIM!” And point to me and dance even closer to me.

Fortunately, beautiful girls from around the club noticed this and whenever Christina took a break, they would come up, dance, and chat with me.

I thought “I need to bring a hot chick to the club every time I go! This is amazing!”

After a lovely evening of dancing, I had a few tequila shots with Mr. Irish who passed out in the car shortly after that, and Christina drove us back home.

Upon arriving home, I went to the vending machine and bought some Hawaiian Punch because I felt it would help me sober up. I had an early morning the next day.

I got in bed with all my clothes on and went to sleep.

My sleep was restless and I dreamt of vomiting.

Morning came fast and I was awakened by the sound of my phone ringing.

I opened my eyes and found myself naked in the corner of the room with a blanket over me. There was vomit (red vomit from the Hawaiian Punch) in different spots on the walls.

My first thoughts were “Why am I naked? Did I leave the apartment at any time during the night? Why is there vomit on the walls? Who is calling me?”

I picked up the phone and it was a gentleman we’ll call Brad.

Brad: “You ready? It’s golf time bro!”

Me: “Give me 15 minutes”

Every Sunday morning, no matter what, Brad and I would go play 18 holes of mini golf.

I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

I got cleaned up and off we went.

Mini golf was always the best part of my week.

Brad was an exterminator, he would take care of insects, bugs, and rodents around the base, and as strange as it may seem, he kind of looked a bit like a rodent, but he was cool.

Sometimes I’d win, sometimes I’d lose but we always had a good time.

The discussion on this particular day was The Dixie Chicks album “Wide Open Spaces” We broke down the lyrics of each song. Seems strange for two macho guys like us, but that was a damn good album.

And although I was hungover, I won mini golf that day.

Later on my buddy Jay stopped by for a little chat.

Jay: “There is a new girl on base, she has blonde hair and blue eyes but is ‘Ghetto Fabulous’, you should meet her”

Me: “Ghetto Fabulous?”

Jay: “She doesn’t look like it, but when you hear her talk, she speaks like she is from an inner-city black neighborhood”

Me: “I don’t understand why I need to meet her”

Jay: “Because She’s Ghetto Fabulous Baby!”

Me: “Anything else?”

Jay: “Oh yeah, and she’s pregnant!”

Me: “What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

Jay: “Come on, I’ll take you over there, you need to see this”

Me: “Fine”

I went with him and met this new girl. She was cute, she was ghetto, but she wasn’t very fabulous.

A very interesting person, and yes, she was pregnant, maybe about 5 months.

One unexpected thing is she really liked ME, a LOT.

Over the next few days, I kept my distance because I didn’t know how to handle this.

My buddy Jay would come by daily and talk with me.

Jay: “You really need to have sex with her”

Me: “Why?”

Jay: “I hear sex with pregnant chicks is way better than regular sex, something to do with the temperature of the vagina. It’s hotter apparently”

Me: “That can’t be true”

Jay: “It might be true, you need to find out for us”

Me: “YOU should have sex with her!”

Jay: “She wants YOU though”

Me: “This is true”

I thought about this for a week.

Google wasn’t around at the time so I wasn’t able to look this up and find information about sex with pregnant women.

So I figured I’d call my sis and see what her opinion would be.

Me: A pregnant girl wants to have sex with me, what should I do?

Sis: Don’t do it!

Me: I heard sex with pregnant women is amazing, I would like to try it.

Sis: This is not something you should get involved in. Only bad things can happen. Don’t do it!

Me: I should probably try though, just for the experience and see how it is.

Sis: Their emotions are all over the place, you want nothing to do with that. Don’t do it!

Me: Ok, Thank You

Sis: Don’t you fuckin’ do it!

Me: I’ll call you back

I fixed myself a drink. Sipped it slowly and thought about this issue.

An hour later, I got up, walked over to the ghetto girl’s apartment, and knocked on the door…

(To be continued on the next issue…)

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