Beyond Borders & Bedposts Issue #2 The Spy That Wasn't

The Quest for Connection, Success and Sex

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Later that night in bed, she said…

“This might be too soon to say this, but… I want to have your baby”

My first thought was “WHAT!?” “This chick has no filter, she’s not supposed to say stuff like that!”

But what I said out loud was…”Yeah, that makes sense”

I got out of bed, got dressed, kissed her passionately, and left.

My new German girlfriend got along with my parents, grandparents, and friends. She was really into me, things were going smoothly and we were only a week or two into her visit.

One evening we went out to a disco club.

Yes, I can dance, but it is not something I do often. A few years earlier I was an assistant instructor of ballroom dance, but these days, that only comes in handy at weddings. This particular evening was all about disco.

About an hour in, we were standing by the bar and a cool-looking gentleman approached my lady.

I told him “She’s with me”

He said “Let’s let her decide”

My immediate thought response was to punch him in the face.

However, I knew it might ruin the evening and complicate things.

*A quick side note: I didn’t mind fighting. I had a martial arts background and felt I could handle myself decently, but I also knew this was not the best situation to flex.

If I fought and won, I would be a jerk, and if I lost, it would look really bad.


Here is the thought process:

This guy is being disrespectful to me in front of my lady and trying to take her from me.

Should I break his nose?

They say that violence never solves things, but it could solve this situation quickly.

What if she goes with him?

He does seem to be charming.

Is she going to go with him?

I need to think fast…

I said to the guy “I’m going to go get another round of drinks and if you can convince her to go with you before I get back, you win.”

I walked to the bar's far side and ordered another round.

In my mind, I was thinking, “I wonder what’s going to happen here, it would suck if they were gone when I get back.”

Fortunately, they were still standing there, and he was chatting her up. I walked over, handed her a drink, kissed her on the mouth, put my arm around her, and said “I win!” and we walked away.

She said, “That was so cool!”

I said “Yup”

But I was thinking “I’m so glad that worked!”

Later that night in bed, she said “This might be too soon to say this, but…I want to have your baby”

My first thought was “WHAT!?” “This chick has no filter, she’s not supposed to say stuff like that!”

But what I said out loud was…”Yeah, that makes sense”

I got out of bed, got dressed, kissed her passionately, and left.

Here’s something interesting…

Every time I entered a new relationship with a woman during this phase of my life, I would go buy a CD that I would not normally buy and have it be the music theme for the relationship. That way a certain album would make me think of a certain girl and I would categorize my ladies this way.

The album for this relationship… “Soul for Real- Candy Rain”

We had a lovely time during her visit. And I couldn’t help but think, this might be the girl who is meant for me. She was beautiful, talented (I’ve always had a thing for singers), mentally stable, and intelligent. She also came from a good family. She told me her dad was a high executive with BMW and if I were to be stationed in Germany, she could get me any BMW automobile I wanted. Very cool!

The only potential negative I could think of was, I saw photos of her parents and they were quite heavy in stature, they were robust, they were well fed. And my concern was that perhaps this girl might follow in their footsteps and also experience rapid weight gain in the future. After all, her favorite food was pasta.

I know in these modern times, that is not supposed to factor in. However, I was the product of a superficial environment and was conditioned by the fashion norms and body styles of the day. They say a man gets his attraction and fetishes the summer that he turns fifteen. Whatever type of ladies he is exposed to during this time will become what he is into the rest of his life. And I’ll tell you this…I wasn’t around large women.

But she was a wonderful young lady. Time passed quickly and it was time for me to leave for basic training.

She told me it would be best if I could get stationed anywhere in Germany, California, or close to New York because then she could be with me and continue her singing career without any disruptions.

I told her it shouldn’t be a problem getting to one of those places.

We kissed like Germans do and parted ways. She left for Germany and I was headed to Texas -The land of Kings- (I am a native Texan).

I arrived at Air Force basic training and as you may guess, the universe decided to make it interesting.

There was the standard yelling, sleep deprivation, and flipping over beds stuff that is to be expected, but in addition to that, on my fourth day, the training instructor pulled me aside:

Him: “I know who you are, and you’re not blending in very well”

Me: “What do you mean?”

Him: “You thought I wouldn’t notice?”

Me: “I don’t understand”

Him: “You’re obviously OSI”

**For you the reader- The Air Force Office of Special Investigations (OSI) is a U.S. federal law enforcement agency that reports directly to the Secretary of the Air Force.

Me: “Ummmm, No”

Him: “You’ve been sent to spy on me, investigate me and my training, but you’re too obvious, I’ve spotted you”

Me: “Well shit…this was unexpected. First of all, I am not that. Second, don’t you think they would send someone who would blend in better, that you wouldn’t be able to pick out? And third, if I was that, I must have really pissed someone off because this would be the worst assignment ever”

Him: “Yeah, whatever, you’re dismissed, just know that I know what you’re up to”

And so there I was.

I thought, “Somewhere out there, the Gods are laughing”, naturally I couldn’t have a regular basic training like everyone else, there always has to be something. It always has to be some weird shit.

Even with this new development, I would say my time in basic training was fairly normal for the most part. I was the oldest one there so they all called me grandpa. I didn’t care too much for the running, the shoe shining, and the bed-making, but it wasn’t too terrible.

What helped was my German girl would write me a letter every day and when I say every day I mean every single day. So mail time was always pleasant. Sometimes she would put one of those lipstick kisses on the letter. Sometimes it would be perfume. One time she even enclosed a lock of her hair. It was so nice, I felt like I was in a movie or something. No woman had ever treated me this well before. I was really growing fond of her.

One day, in training we were out on a military exercise in the woods, setting up base camp and perimeters. I was in a foxhole for most of the night on the outer perimeter with this other guy and it was cold and miserable. The thought in my head was “What am I doing here? When I get out of this mess I want to have a simple kind of life. I should settle down with the German, move to the suburbs, have a few kids, and just chill. That’s all I want. That would be perfect. I looked up at the night sky at the billions of stars and asked “Can I have it?”

I was relieved from that post and assigned to standing guard at the command post.

I figured it would be easy because there were three levels of protection before any “enemy” would make it this far, so I could relax a bit.

As luck would have it, a friendly fellow came over to check on me, or so I thought. This friendly fellow turned out to be not so friendly because he shot me and threw a grenade into the command bunker.

“Ah shit!”

And that was the end of that exercise.

They stopped the training, called everyone in, pulled me up in front of everyone, and said “Airman Shelton here just got everybody killed. Be sure to thank him while you run”

That was a long night.

Another evening I was cleaning up the day room floor with a lint brush and having a conversation with another fellow. In the military there are so many people from so many different parts of the country from all sorts of different backgrounds it is a great place to learn and ask questions.

I asked this gentleman “What’s your favorite part on a woman’s body assuming you like women?”

Him: “I like women, the stomach”

Me: “The stomach? Really? I’ve never heard anyone say that before”

Him: “Yeah, I like it, the belly button, the contours of the different muscle groups of the abdomen and how it all comes together, it’s hot, very sexy”

Me: “I’ve never thought about that, but I guess that does kind of make sense, that’s so interesting, I’m going to have to start paying attention next time I see a girl’s stomach”

Him: “You’re gonna love it! By the way, I heard you were OSI, are you here to investigate the instructor or the training itself?”

Me: “I am not OSI, I am not investigating anything, I am a regular guy like you, just older.

Him: “Yeah, whatever. I figured you would deny it”

Me: “Yep”

I asked the body parts question to several other guys and most of them had the answers you would expect, but I was always interested in those that had different points of view. One guy said the neck. He loved girls with a long, slender neck. Another guy said ankles. He likes a nice delicate-looking ankle. Fascinating. I would pay more attention to these things once I was around girls again because maybe I was missing out.

On the subject of women, we were separated from the girls when we were in basic training, we would sometimes see them in the distance running and I swear I could smell them on the wind, it was like a primal thing, heavy, musk in the air. It was so nice.

Yes, it smelled a bit funky, but you have to understand, If you haven’t seen a girl up close in several weeks, your senses are greatly heightened and the scent of women's sweat on the wind is quite appealing. These days if I was at the mall or something and smelled a woman in the wind, I would probably think it was pretty gross.

Back to the story…

I really missed my girl. I needed to get out of here, get back into her arms, and have a simple life, a house full of love and song.

What would be the quickest way back home? To get kicked out of course! All I have to do is get kicked out and I’ll be on my way home! I was excited because I knew exactly what I was going to do. I believed at the time that this was going to be easy. But I forgot about one thing…

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