Beyond Borders & Bedposts Issue #1 The German Girl

The Quest for Connection, Success and Sex

“You said, ‘Anytime, anywhere’.”

“Yes but…”

“But nothing, let’s go!” She took my hand and pulled me toward the reptile pavilion at the Zoo with the intention of having sex there.

“I think this is a bad idea.” I said.

“Nonsense! Everyone does this. You’re just uptight.”

“I’m not uptight, I’m a f*ckin gentleman!”

“Then be a f*cking gentleman and f*ck me in the reptile house.”

“You Germans are a whole other level.”

“Yes, that’s correct.” she said as she dragged me to the darkened building.

Ok, my dear reader, let’s back up a bit. How did we get to this lovely scenario?  What led to this?

The year was 1998, and I was twenty-four years old working at a sports bar surrounded by drunks, serving them more alcohol to make them even more annoying.  I had a second job at an adult toy store surrounded by perverts.  It occurred to me that I had no idea what I was doing with my life. Back when I was eighteen, I had a lot of hopes and dreams that I was confident would come to pass, but NONE of that happened. I found out the hard way that I wasn’t very good at being an adult or guiding myself in a positive direction.  I placed zero value on my life and was slipping into the abyss.

Something had to change.

I used to want to live the lifestyle of the rich and famous, but at this point I was broken. I now just wanted a simple life and someone to love me.  Is that too much to ask for?

I didn’t trust myself or the decisions I was making, and I wanted to take a break from being “me”. Ideally, I’d get a job where my role was very clearly defined where I didn’t have to make decisions, and only had to do what I was told. 

Plus, I needed to get out of Colorado.  This beautiful state that people love for its mountains and four distinct seasons was my kryptonite. It made me weak. I needed to escape, start again, start a new life. But how?

A mentor of mine, an old, retired Army veteran, told me “There’s a place that will take you and make you a better version of yourself. All you have to do is give up a little bit of your time. It’s called the Army”. 

I told him, there was no way that was happening.  That’s not for me.  Instead, I applied for a job on a cruise ship.  I figured I could bartend or be a waiter, see the world and maybe sleep with some of the staff members as well, that would be cool.

The cruise ship company said it would take six weeks to get back to me on whether I got the job or not. So now I was waiting…And in the meantime, I was starting to think about what my mentor friend had told me about the Army.

I drove to the military recruiter office and looked at the posters outside.

The Navy- Be on a boat in the middle of the ocean with a bunch of other men. No thank you.

The Marines- Be a real man, first in the fight and be hard as stone. No thank you.

The Army- Be out on a four year camping trip with people occasionally shooting at you. No thanks.

The Air Force- Be in a luxury apartment with air conditioning and hot meals daily.

Hmmmmm,

I walked straight into the Air Force recruiters office.

“What will you give me to sign up today?”

“I’m not giving you shit,” the recruiter told me. “Go down the hall to one of the other branches. They will take you to lunch. This is the Air Force, we don’t have to bribe people to join. You either want to come in or you don’t, and I don’t give a fuck.”

I respected his attitude, but still had some questions. “I’ve signed up to work on a cruise ship, and if I get the job, I will leave in six weeks.  Can you have me out of here before then? If so, I’ll go with you”

“Can Do”, the man said and told me to take a seat.

I signed up and would be leaving in five weeks to the Air Force Basic Training facility in San Antonio, Texas. It was a relief but at the same time, I felt a bit ashamed, because I’d said for many years that I would NEVER join the military.

Back at my apartment, my roommate and I had just gotten the internet. I figured, now that I was going into the Air Force, I should look online to find some foreign girls to meet, so I would have some companionship when I got out into the world.

I met a lovely young woman on a dating site and we hit it off really well right away. I will refer to her as The German because, well because she was German. 

She worked as a country western singer in Germany, a blonde haired, blue-eyed, large-breasted, twenty three year-old gal.  She spoke perfect English with a strong German accent.  Sexy.

I told her that I had joined the Air Force and that maybe one day I would visit Germany or get stationed there and we could spend some time together.  

She said she had just finished up a singing tour and had some time before she and her band hit the road again, so she would fly out and spend time with me until it was time for me to leave for basic training.

Cool.

I met her at the gate as she walked off the plane in Denver.  This was back when you could actually be at the gate to meet people arriving.  This was also the first time a person from another country had ever come to visit me specifically, and it just so happened to be a gorgeous German girl.  

Let me tell you this, I didn’t know how to greet people properly.  I mean, what are you supposed to do here? Do you hug? Do you kiss?  Do you shake hands? (I knew that shaking hands would not be right for this scenario) She got off the plane, I waved and gave her a smile and a long hug.  As we walked to baggage claim she showed me the photo of myself I had sent through the mail.  

I said, “this picture looks like it has water damage”

 She told me “I had it in the shower with me” and smiled. 

I said “Oh” and laughed nervously 

I was floored and struggling, I’d never been in this situation before, and I was grasping at what to do next.

Apparently, she saw me hesitating and thought I didn’t like her. But I will tell you, my dear reader, that I did like her very much. I was just trying to figure out how to handle this. I had no reference points. Hooking up online was still a relatively new thing, and flying halfway around the world to do it was really kind of out there. Nobody I knew had experienced this, so I had nothing to draw upon. I felt like a horny Guinea pig. 

It was a quiet ride to the hotel. I was still feeling awkward, and she had already made up her mind that I didn’t like her or find her attractive

When we got to her hotel, we checked in and went to her room.  

She’d brought me gifts, gummy bears and tobacco.  I had no idea why these would be considered appropriate gifts because neither of these items were discussed before, but I thought it was cute and figured this must be what Germans give each other.

After getting settled in, she got into bed with all of her clothes on, minus the shoes, and was under the covers just sitting there, waiting. I had never seen anyone do this before and thought it might just be a German thing. I also thought she was probably just tired from the long flight.  

I said goodnight and left.

I found out later that this is her signature move: she gets in bed fully clothed, but like a magician, when you pull back the covers she is completely naked.  She was expecting me to hop in bed and service her that evening, but I missed that social cue, which led to her again thinking that I didn’t like her.

The next day, when I picked her up, she told me that when she went down to breakfast there was a man on the elevator who invited her to go skiing because he found her beautiful and loved her accent. She told him that she was here to see me. And informed me that if I didn’t like her, she’d consider this guy’s offer.

Fuck.

How do I explain that I was in over my head? That I’d never been in a situation like this?

Answer: I don’t.

We went to lunch, and when she picked something from the menu, I suggested she try something else.    She had a bit of an outburst and told me she doesn’t like a man controlling her choices.

This was interesting because it was the first time she’d displayed an attitude.

I told her, I was just being helpful and didn’t give a fuck what she ordered, and in the future, if she thinks I’m saying something strange, because I often say strange things, simply tell me to fuck off.

She suddenly got the biggest smile and said “Do you mean it?” “If we’re together I always have the right to tell you to fuck off?”

“Yes, of course,” I told her

And she said “I think we’re going to be good”

I thought about the night before when I didn’t make a move, in my mind I was being a gentleman. 

I didn’t know what normal people do in situations like that, let alone what normal Germans do. I was figuring it out as I went.

I asked her “What would you like to do today?”

“Let’s go to the zoo” she told me.

I thought, Cool. No problem. I can handle that.

Online we’d done a bit of erotic talk. The zoo never came up in conversation, but the anytime, anywhere conversation had taken place because that’s what you say when you are trying to be cool. 

And so, we were at the zoo walking hand in hand next to the reptile pavilion. 

She pointed at the sign and said,

“Let’s fuck in there!”

“Uhhhhmmmm” I was completely caught off guard, again.

“You said, ‘Anytime, anywhere’.”

“Yes but…”

“But nothing, let’s go!” She took my hand and pulled me toward the snake house.

“I think this is a bad idea” I said.

“Nonsense! Everyone does this. You’re just uptight”

“I’m not uptight, I’m a fuckin gentleman!”

“Then be a fucking gentleman and fuck me in there”

“You Germans are a whole other level”

“Yes, that’s correct” she said as she dragged me to the darkened building

We walked into the exhibit

It was dark, yes, but also packed with children on a field trip.

I said “I don’t feel like going to jail today for public exposure”

She said, “I’ve never met a man who tried so hard to not have sex”

She was obviously frustrated with me, and after the zoo, we went to the grocery store to pick up snacks before heading back to the hotel.

At the checkout, a magazine had a picture of a large blue pill on the front with the headline “Viagra”

She pointed to it and said a bit too loud “Maybe you need this!”

I looked at the line of people behind us. Everyone started smiling. 

I said “No. I don’t need that”

“I think you do”

The line started giggling and I was not pleased.

I said loudly but sternly “You are in trouble tonight!”

To which she replied “I hope so”

And the line erupted in laughter.

Fuck those people!

We got back to the hotel

As we entered the elevator, she said “maybe we can do it on here, how do you stop this thing?”

I pointed to the button that said “STOP- ALARM will sound” and told her, “can’t do it, the alarm will go off”

“Ah” she said, disappointed, “at least we can kiss”

I pointed to the camera up in the corner and said “sure, let’s give ‘em a show”

And we kissed. That was our first kiss of the trip.  

She said, “I think you can do better than that”

We kissed again, a bit stronger, and longer this time. 

She suggested that we work on it, to dial it in a bit.

Now I never suggested that I was some kind of professional kisser or anything, and I may have been a bit rusty because it had been a little while, and I had never really worked on my technique.

That was about to change.

In the movies, people are always seeing fireworks, or their breath is taken away by a passionate kiss. That never happened to me. I’d kiss and be pretty much the same afterwards.  I wasn’t much for feeling a lot of emotions. 

However, we got back to the room and got those kisses dialed in so much that I did kinda feel something! Might not seem like a big deal to you, but it’s a big deal to a person who usually feels NOTHING.

I was like…”I’ve been missing out!”

On a side note…

I couldn’t help but think that sometime later in my life I might be kissing someone else and they might say “You kiss like a German!”

Not that it would be an insult, on the contrary I would take it as a compliment, but then wonder what Germans they had been kissing to note the distinction.

Anyway…

She said “sorry about embarrassing you in the store today, I don’t want to pressure you into having sex if you don’t want to”

“You don’t want to pressure ME?!” “Oh I want to do this, believe me!”

And with that, she slipped under the covers of the bed fully clothed, once again, and motioned for me to get in too.  When I pulled the covers back to get in, she was already naked. Till this day I still don’t know how she did it.

We began to make love quite rigorously. So let me walk you through the thought process.

I was nervous because this was a foreign national, and I am representing the United States of America here, as well as the black community.  I need to really bring it. 

I would hate to cause a diplomatic incident. 

The first round went a little quicker than I would have liked, but let me be clear, that had never been, and still isn’t, usually an issue for me.  It was just one of those days and she was exceptional. 

I remember thinking, I’ve gotta step it up, gotta keep going. I am a man of honor. Gotta set the bar high.

When it was all said and done, we went a total of three rounds that night.

I don’t think I could have done it a fourth, but I bluffed and said…

“You done talking shit!? Or you want another round?”

She was done.

Thank God.

 So I was able to feel pretty good about myself and my representation of my country. Thankfully I was young and in good shape.

 She also represented Germany with honor, she was absolutely amazing. 

At this point, I think most people would cuddle up and go to sleep together. But it’s not my style, I feel vulnerable when I’m asleep, so I told her that I had to get going and I would see her in the morning. 

I gave her a kiss, got dressed and left.

As I drove home, I shouted “Good job ME!” 

And quietly wondered, “What did I get myself into?”

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